“Here I am, Lord” – For mothers of children on the spectrum

I was listening to Dan Schutte’s, Here I am, Lord, recently, and it was one of those God moments where you pause and listen carefully because you know the moment is holy, and He is speaking to you. Each word of the song pierced my heart as a message to me from the Almighty One as a mother of a child on the autism spectrum.

My son and I have been having one of the roughest seasons of our lives with his symptoms suddenly magnified several times over, and all I could feel was darkness, defeat, exhaustion, and bleakness – despite knowing God and seeing Him work prior miracles in my life. It was just where I was (kind of like the people in the Psalms). My heart hadn’t fully put my wants and some of my agendas on God’s altar, so I was essentially bucking against God’s plans and will for my life and causing myself pain. I needed to see that my entire ministry right now is serving my son on the spectrum and that it was beautiful and holy and a gift. I saw my situation and son with new eyes. Not that I ever saw my son in a negative way, but I had forgotten that I am a servant for God, no longer “my own and bought with a price” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).

God used the words to this song to remind me that I am His servant and that He chose me not only as the mother to my son, but his ‘church’ and minister as well (as it is not easy to get to church most often).

Seeing myself as sent by God, His servant, divinely chosen and appointed, my son entrusted into my care, reinvigorated and resurrected me and my faith.

Here are the words to Here I am, Lord, all rights belong to its author and composer, Dan Schutte:

I the Lord of sea and sky
I have heard my people cry
All who dwell in dark and sin
My hand will save

I who made the stars of night
I will make their darkness bright
Who will bear my light to them?
Whom shall I send?

Here I am Lord,
Is it I Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go Lord,
If you lead me,
I will hold your people in my heart

I the Lord of wind and flame
I will tend the poor and lame
I will set a feast for them
My hand will save

Finest bread I will provide,
Till their hearts be satisfied
I will give my life to them,
Whom shall I send?

Here I am Lord,
Is it I Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go Lord,
If you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart

 

A wonderful reminder of John 3:30, “He (Jesus) must become greater; I must become less.”

Mommas, You have been chosen to serve God in a most beautiful and honorable way, having the gift of a child or children on the spectrum in your lives. I pray He strengthens you and gives you wisdom every step of the way to serve your child in this most precious calling.

Here’s a beautiful version of the song that I love to listen to. Meditate on the words. May they touch your heart as they did mine and once again soften your heart to the calling that is both difficult and one of the greatest blessings of your lives.

God bless

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Ehh, what’s up doc?

Ehh, what’s up doc?

Good question. I’ve had zero time for writing, the sequel to my book is on pause, etc.

So my question is, “God, what would you have me do writing wise? You created me with the urge and desire to write? What will it be, Lord?”

Writing a novel is an emotionally and physically draining task for me or labor of love rather. I put so much of myself into it, into the characters, and I currently don’t have the strength to give the sequel to my firstborn book baby what it deserves.

I’m the solo mom (only involved parent/not a co-parent) of a son on the autism spectrum (ASD), and we are homeschoolers of the unschooling persuasion. My son turned 16 recently, and apparently according to other ASD moms, the 16th year was one of the toughest years with their ASD kiddos.

Hormones + ASD = Hell on earth for the child and the parent(s) 

I’ve recently experienced exhaustion levels I felt I’d die from, begged God to rapture us on numerous occasions to relieve our suffering, ugly cried for days on end into my pillow, forgot to wash said pillow many times, didn’t care, too tired.

So what to blog? It’s something I am prayerfully seeking God about because I miss writing so much but don’t have it in me to write my next novel quite yet.

Topics I am prayerfully contemplating – parenting an ASD kid as a solo mom, the praying life, suffering and faith (so exciting, right?), depression, OCD, trying to parent an ASD kid alone with health issues of my own, the Spirit-filled life, and sprinklings on writing as God leads me (especially in regards to it as an unquenchable calling He Himself placed in those whom He’s called to write).

Happy to have written a little something today. 🙂